Amsterdam Part 3 - Full Penetration and Pussy

Our night out in the Red Light District, brought to you by the sale of Matt's and my Pokemon card collection.

After quite a many beers and things at various establishments, we stumbled into the Red Light District, which exists smack bang in the middle of Amsterdam.

If there's any place in the world where a man can feel superficial contentment, it's Amsterdam.  Countless plastic women wink and gesture at you trying to get your attention and for you to hand over your fifty euros for 15 minutes of whatever you desire.  The ladies come in all shapes and sizes and their quality is distinguished by which floor their windows exists on.  The higher, the better, or the more sought after the product that's being offered.

We lasted all of about five seconds in a peep show together (when in Rome...) before the "performer" booted Nix and Matt out indicating that the show was only for one.  I lasted about fifteen seconds before realising that me being in there by myself was just weird.

So off we went to a sex show, Moulin Rouge offered "Real Couple Sex" so we quickly parted with our 75 euros and in we went.

We walked in on the main event with an over the hill male pornstar going at it with a woman who wouldn't have known what day it was.  You could really feel the passion.  All the while the retired pornstar winked and blew kisses in Nix's direction.  She really felt the passion.

Other acts included a woman pulling metres and metres of silk ribbon from her lady part and another woman who wrote something with a marker (again from the lady part) that was so captivating that none of us can remember what it said.

Here came the highlight of the night though, and almost of Nix's and Matt's lives.  Out came a lady (the best looking lady of the show), dressed in nothing but a sequinned bikini, who danced around the stage and began to drag embarrassed looking young blokes onto the stage.

By this point of the night Matt and I were well and truly feeling it and were clapping, laughing and singing along to songs, having the time of our lives.  But before I knew it the spotlight was on me, the dancing lady was pointing at me and I was dragged up onto the stage to join two other guys.

Amsterdam is a place where you tend to lose your inhibitions and I was loving being on stage, dancing with a beautiful lady and giving Nix and Matt, who were in hysterics by this point, the occasional thumbs up.

So we danced for a bit longer and I got banned from knicker removal duties as I tried to yank them off only to tell the dancer that "I've never done it before".  She didn't really know how to take that.

And then out came the dreaded banana, which was peeled and placed you know where.  The guy to the right of me took a bite, the guy to the left of me took a bite, and then only a bit was left sticking out.  Oh no, my turn.

In I went, cautiously of course, but before I knew it her hands and legs were wrapped around my head and I was balls deep in a mouthful of banana.  Yum.

I left the stage to rapturous applause, most of it coming from Nix and Matt.

Clint Brimson forever unclean.

Off we laughed into the night, quite sure that we'd never forget what had just taken place.

The Pussy

Our airbnb buddy, Nickey.  Not what you were thinking, sicko.

The Barrie-ometer of "Feel" - Click here!

The Beers 

Evil Twin Ron and the Bunny
Boont Amber
Southern Tier 2X Stout
Rogue Dad's Little Helper
Brewdog Cocoa Psycho
Dark Horse Sapient Trip Ale
Flying Dog Gonzo
Against the Grain Golden Sower, Tropical Segway Kitten
Frogs Hollow Hoppin' Frog
Cigar City Papso
De Prael Nelis
Emelisse Herfstbock
De Molen Bock
Pampus Melkmeisje
Jopen Extra Stout, Mashing Pumpkins

Amsterdam Part 2 - Ink and Grass

So my lovely wife continued her obsession in Amsterdam, and my innocent little brother began his.

Mary Jane

As everyone knows, cannabis is legal in the Netherlands.  Well, sort of.  Through various loopholes, and the Authorities turning a collective blind eye, you can walk into a "coffeeshop" in the Netherlands and be presented with a menu of about ten different weed strains, a few different hash types, maybe some spacecakes, hash brownies or something similar, and possibly even some magic truffles (the loophole here is that fungi with psychedelic properties that grows above the ground are outlawed - magic truffles grow below it).  So off you can walk with a pocketful of joints, some truffles and hash brownies, and that's perfectly OK.

That's insane, how can a nation continue to operate normally with availability such as that?  Quite well, evidently.

And it's not just young people or people who are clearly stoners lining up to get their bags of joints either.  Middle aged women, men in their fifties, they're all there.

The right coffeshop, genuinely does serve good espresso coffee and various other drinks and snacks in a relaxed environment with like mindedly relaxed people, appropriate music and enough strange things hanging from the roof and walls to really enjoy the trip.  Well, that's what I'd imagine it to be like anyway.
Part
Part 3 is already up too - FULL PENETRATION AND PUSSY

Amsterdam Part 1 - Musings and Munchies

It's an old cliché but it works.  Amsterdam is a city of contrasts.

Such beautiful canals but such a grimy red light district.  The ability to purchase cannabis at your will but the city functions so successfully.

This is a place where bucks and hens parties come to write themselves off in various different ways and then attempt to navigate the bicycle choked streets.  Or better yet, get on a bike without a helmet because who wears helmets?

You want a cup of coffee you say?  How about a place labelled "coffeshop"?  Well you could, but you'd get more than you bargained for.

A brown café then?  Nope, that would get you a beer, obviously.

Best to just stick with a plain old café, or maybe McDonalds is a safer better.

I think the people deserve a special mention here too (because my blog is where they come to for gratification of course).  The amount of sh*t they must put up with on a daily basis and to not tar you with the same brush as the previous stupid English speaking person they served, is commendable.

The Munchies

The beauty of a big city like Amsterdam is the range and quality of food that it offers.  Whatever you have a hankering for is a quick Google and generally just a few minutes walk away.  Burittos, burgers, Indian, Nepalese, Australian icecream (yes, apparently that's a thing), kebabs, shawarmas, durum, all within spitting distance.  So naturally, we made the most of that accessibility.

Semi-Traditional Pancakes at Pancakes! Amsterdam

We waited 40 minutes in the cold for these and for two out of the three of us it was worth the wait.  Nix had the camembert, witlof, ham and raspberry, Matt the special of yesterday which was leek, tomato, pine nuts and creme fraiche, and me, the American style with bacon and maple syrup.  Only Nix's were a flop.

Eating our way through the Albert Cuypmarkt

The advantage of staying with someone through airbnb is that you generally end up away from the city centre and closer to things like the Albert Cuypmarkt, which was literally around the corner from us.

We started off with the Dutch classic, poffertjes.  Pretty much little mini pancakes.

Then we went for a roll filled with raw herring (a Dutch staple), a big slab of pickle and onion.

Matt and I had rolls loaded with chicken marinated in a sort of Middle Eastern spice rub dominated by cinnamon and cloves.

Then it was deep fried mussels and cod.

And we finished off with a stroopwafel, which is a hot, crispy waffle filled with a thin layer of super-glue like caramel.  Beautiful.

Croquettes 

...from a vending machine!

Rice table at Puri

The Netherlands still has a noticeable Indonesian influence, which is a hangover from the time when the Dutch occupied the country.  And so Indonesian restaurants, and more specifically rice tables, are a dime a dozen in Amsterdam, but that doesn't mean they're not any good.

We bursted through the door, out of the cold and rain, and before we knew it had a bowl of warming chickeny, noodley soup in front of us.  The soup was followed up by seven small dishes using chicken and beef with two big bowls of rice.  Given how hungry and cold we were, they well and truly hit the spot.

Dessert was lychees and icecream.  Nice.

Chocolátl

You would think that three weeks in Belgium would've offered us the most impressive chocolate shop we'd ever seen but nope, we found it in Amsterdam.  We walked away with salted caramel and pop rock bars, and some bacon nougat.  All great late night treats.

"Frites"

The Belgians "do" frites.  The Dutch should not.  These are apparently Amsterdam's best.  They're cooked in vegetable oil and come with a big blob of oorlog sauce (peanut sauce, mayo and onion).  They're just not frites.  They're average chips, at best.