4,000 Islands, 4,000 Stories

Si Phan Don translates as 4,000 Islands and is an archipelago within the Mekong in Laos that's made up by an absolute s load of islands, hence the name. I counted them though, there's only 3,987 - it's clearly just a marketing gimmick.

We reached the first of the main islands - Don Khong - with 11 days left on our visa and the intention to nail doing S.F.A. and maximising the equation of beers drunk + time in hammocks.

After three nights in Don Khong we squeezed into a long-tail with the rest of the foreigners and puttered down the Mekong to spend a night on the bottom of Don Det before crossing the Old French Bridge to spend the rest of our time on Don Khon. Yes, Don Khon not Don Khong. Both pretty much sound the same but make buying bus tickets to either a whole heap of fun.

A variable that we hadn't factored into the above equation was the stories that we'd walk away with. You genuinely couldn't walk down the street without seeing something strange, interesting or funny thanks to the locals that still call the islands home and a lot of the rustic beauty that's been retained. Little kids still run out into the street to give you high five and yell sabaidee and there's still a nice feeling of community on the islands.

Here are some of those stories.

Honk-a-Doodle-Do

My favourite is I was going for a walk to get beers one night and about seven or eight kids had just been for a swim in the Mekong. The youngest of the group was stripping down nude and as he did one of the older boys leant over, gave his willy a bit of a honk, they both had a bit of a giggle and the little boy wandered back home.

They See Me Riden'

From eight days old to eighteen years old the average Laos kid is so much more capable and mature than a kid of the same age in the Western world it's borderline embarrassing. It should therefore not have come as a shock when we watched an eight year old take four of his five year old buddies around for a ride on his Dad's tuk-tuk but it still did. It always will. The kid has swag.

Motorboating Monks

When you think of a monk you think many things - speed demon is not one of them. The young kids around this area build these tiny, one man, streamlined boats and soon as school's off they tear up and down the Mekong fighting tooth and nail to edge the other. Watching this was fun enough but seeing a monk in one... Well that's certainly a sight that you'd never expect to see. And unlike their normally peaceful, harmonious demeanour they're gunning it as hard as the next guy.

It's Curtains for Kermit

In the search for our perfect bungalow we were shown through a heap and got sick of the 'thank you, we have think, will come back' line and the owner's look of yeah, sure you will. This one time we didn't feel so guilty.

By this point we'd picked up this guy (whose neck sweat and shoulder are a cat's best friend) and we waited around whilst the guesthouse owner grabbed the keys to open up her bungalows.

We walked into the first one which was nice enough and came already furnished with a fist sized frog. I pointed out to Tom he had a friend in this one and we all had a bit of a laugh but whilst we were looking at it the old lady noticed it too and made a half hearted attempt to shoo it out the door. It was then, about mid strike, we learned this poor frog's fate and gasped in unison.

Down came the hard end of her straw broom, in went a few straw barbs and she then picked it up and placed it on the balustrade before pounding it into oblivion and turfing it into the garden - it wasn't even dinner!

We had a friend of our own at one of our bungalows. A foot long gecko who guarded the entrance to the room. It's like seeing an artist take something small and make it huge, it just looks cool. This giant gecko also had a lot of swag.

Waterfalls and Stuff

On Don Khon there are two waterfalls. We made it to Khon Pa Soi early one morning which in all honesty was pretty average. The only fun bits were our own personal guide, who was beyond excited to have her first visitors for the morning, and the varying degrees of difficulty and construction of the bridges that connected the place together.

The other however - Tad Somphamit - is a sight to behold. By volume of water it's the biggest waterfall in SE Asia and in wet season would be one hell of a dangerous beast. You can look out over the top of the falls and see the Mekong just meandering along, as it does, then it reaches the end of the plateau and gushes down in bone crushing torrents. It's a stark reminder of the Mekong's deceptive power - I can take life as quickly as I give it, DO NOT f*ck with me.

Despite that word of warning, there's a pool around a bend in the river, just down from the falls, where you can cool down in the heat of the day in bath temperature water. So refreshing.

The greatest pleasure down near the pool was watching three little boys running amok. Two were d*cking around playing some ramdom game with a polystyrene disk that they'd found whilst the more mature of the three went off hunting. Fifteen minutes later the hunter emerged from over the top of the rocks with five giant frogs slung over his back, he rounded up his pals and off they went. Job done. 

Can You Drive a Boat?

Years ago a heap of Irrawaddy Dolphins made their way up the Mekong with some finding themselves a home around Si Phan Don. Thanks to continued dynamiting of the Mekong by the lovely Khmer Rouge a lot of the dolphins were killed. However a pod still exists in a pool off the bottom of Don Khon.

We rose early again (what is this "alarm" business?) and made our way down to the southern tip of the island where boatmen would be waiting to take us out to see the dolphins, or so the internet had informed us. We got there and a young guy looked at us and said "dolphin?", to which we nodded and he looked at another bloke and you could see through each of their mannerisms that the conversation went something like this:

Young kid: Can you drive a boat?

Older guy: Sure

Young guy: You know where the dolphins are?

Older guy: Yeah, out there somewhere. Do these guys need life jackets?

Young kid: Nah, the cheap bastards didn't pay for a tour. They should just be happy that you drove a boat once when you were fourteen

Maybe a slight exaggeration because our boatman was great. Through a lack of sleep, food and caffeine we scanned the waters around us hoping to spot just one in the distance. We saw one, then a second, a third and possibly even a forth. Given they believe only 10 still exist in the area, we were pretty chuffed with the experience. And we got a super close-up of one of them. Jealous much?

Your Galapagos photos ain't got nothing on that, MM

You might want to check out photos of them here instead. They're far from your average dolphin.

Brown Mangoes 

And finally, Nix's favourite story. We were sat there having lunch one day and Nix said, "look!" At the exact moment that we all turned around a boy who'd hitched his shorts up into a silky g-string to expose his little brown butt instinctively spun around to see us all looking and laughing. He very quickly pulled his shorts back down and sheepishly ran inside. It was a good moment. 

Laos is beautifully simple and simply beautiful. We very forlornly left our hammock and this great country behind and prepared ourselves for battle at the Laos/Cambodian border. 

War was waged, blood was shed, we saved US$3 each on the other foreign suckers who used the services of a visa runner at the border. Travel isn't a contest but if it was we'd be winning because we know how to fill out a visa application form all by our self-righteous selves. 

It may not look like we covered too much ground but when 400km is a 10 hour journey, I think we did OK...

Why the French Aren't the Best Thing about Luang Prabang

All those great things you've heard about Luang Prabang? They're true.

But no, they're not true thanks to the French. They left behind some nice buildings, coffee and baguettes as good as you'll find anywhere but let's not kid ourselves, the French were here because they wanted the place for themselves. At the time, the bastards couldn't look at an ant farm and not want to colonise it. Maybe they did do that and there's a colony of ants out there running around in berets, sipping cafe noir and annoying the shit out of any other ant that comes within earshot of them. I lost that analogy near the end there but what I'm trying to say is that Luang Prabang has way more going for it than just some nice French colonial architecture and a European feel about it (in the tourist zone that is).

What made Luang Prabang great for us then?

1 - meeting these crazy coots (brokelemons) and convincing them into just one more beer (after sharing snake/lizard/centipede/other unidentified animal infused whisky) that caused them to miss their overnighter to Vientiane

2 - squeezing into a sampan with locals to cross the Mekong and wander through the villages checking out a couple of lovely old temples and constantly getting stuck in the mud, much to the pleasure of the locals

3 - some delicious street food including a perfect Khao Piak Khao complete with blood chunks

4 - enjoying a beer in the fancy part of town, down on the Nam Khan with "free peanut"

5 - reflecting on the top of Phou Si Mountain and chatting with a monk on the way up who drilled us with questions about the world and our own country

6 - finally finding a decent Laos coffee

7 - heading out to the spectacular Kuang Si Waterfall

Observations Made on the Songthaew to Nong Khiaw

Given we were packed in like sardines it was hard to see much but we did share the ride with one very well behaved chicken and almost ran head on into a truck. Fun times were had by all, chicken included

Barrie-ometer of "Feel" - "I'm Monsoon Moon, I rain down the pain!!"

Things That Make Us Go Ou

The bumpiest eight hours of our lives placed us in the most strikingly picturesque place I think we've both ever seen. This was what presented us as we crossed the bridge.

We spent the next few nights hanging out in our riverside bungalow, chilling in its hammock and counting down to sunset when we'd grab a couple of beers and watch the sun go down and the little boys fish on the banks of the Ou River. It was an unbelievably memorable few nights.

What made the bungalow particularly memorable was this little guy.

Each night before we go to bed it's my responsibility to check under the sheets and make sure we're not sharing our bed with any unwanted guests. The first night there I pulled the back to uncover our little skink pal and watched Nix climb the wall quicker than I've seen any gecko. Despite his best effort to convince me that he should stay he eventually scurried away, probably sleeping under Nix's side of the bed anyway.

When we could find the desire to drag ourselves away from Nong Khiaw we signed up to the region's, now famous, 100 Waterfalls trek that was only discovered in 2008.

The boat ride there through the mist shrouded karsts was spectacular.

As was the trek through the village.

And then the walk up what is essentially one big long waterfall was a shitload of fun.

Other highlights were the two pooches that climbed the waterfalls with us,

one of whom had puppies of her own at the village and puppies half way been the village and the waterfalls that she was wet nursing

and nailing the trek in my newly purchased Lao hiking boots (read best thongs in existence).

The funny thing about Nong Khiaw is that a lot of people just regard it as a stopover point on the way further up the Ou River to Muang Ngoy.

Until only recently the only way to get to Muang Ngoy was via boat but you can now get there with a two and a half hour ride on dodgy mud tracks with a moped. We chose the boat. You can see why.

Muang Ngoy was good but not great. It has 24hr power now, WiFi, hot showers and the ratio of foreigners to farang is way out of whack. You can see where the charms once lay but they've been washed away. In saying that, we did get a semi taste of the old as the only time the power came on was 30 minutes prior to us getting back on the boat to leave.

With the benefit of hindsight we would've stayed another night in Nong Khiaw but like everyone else before us we thought maybe the grass is greener on the other side. As is so often the case, it wasn't....

Observations Made on the Van to Nong Khiaw

• Being held up by roadworks is a reality of travel in Laos. We had our first taste on our way to Nong Khiaw spending more than an hour stood by the side of the road, going nowhere 
• Three chickens chasing a moth is up there with the most comical things I've ever witnessed
• An old guy smoking a bamboo bong on the doorstep of his bamboo house
• The ringtone compilation. We worked out that the van driver had his phone plugged into the car playing music so at one point his playlist reached the phone's included ringtones and we listened to those for half an hour. It was a sometimes dramatic, sometimes peaceful, sometimes suspense filled, sometimes uplifting half hour

Chiang Khong on the Mekong

Any night on the Mekong is a good one so the opportunity to have a night in Chiang Khong before heading into Laos sounded like a good idea.

We went all out on our final night and got a bungalow with a hammock. Drinking our final few Leos and gazing over the Mekong at the possibilities in Laos was the exact stopover that we'd envisaged.

And just like that, our month in Thailand was gone. Here's where we hit.

Rafting the Pai River

We wanted to go to Pai, we wanted to go to Mae Hong Son. We'd read about an overnight rafting trip between the two that involved a night in the jungle and jumped at it, excited to meet a heap of new people.

Unfortunately the only people that were on board were a captain that didn't want to be part of a selfie and that other bird that I don't seem to be able to shake.

Poor company aside, what followed were two super peaceful days, floating down the magnificent Pai River broken up by the occasional set of rapids and our captain Mike doing his best to flick Nix out of the boat, lunch and snack stops fit for a king, stopping by a small waterfall for a dip and an old school Thai massage, and a heap of animal and insect sightings. 

This was also quite fun.

In the two days we saw innumerable butterflies and dragonflies, a troop of macaques, a python, lots of kingfishers and other water birds and Nix's and my respective highlights, water buffalo hanging out in the water feasting on horse flies and fireflies at night at the jungle camp. Real life, flaming butt fireflies.

About the jungle camp. Maybe not Nix's favourite place in the world. 

Remote is an understatement. It's a three hour uphill trek to the next village and there's no running water or other such amenities out there. Your shower is a bucket of cold water syphoned off from a nearby stream, dinner is cooked over the fire and these are the digs. Sorry, what's the WiFi password?

As it got darker and darker the jungle's chorus grew louder and louder and the threat of something slithering under the mosquito net was enough to keep Nix awake for the majority of the night. At least that allowed her to recount to me in the morning who and what had come flying through and scampering by our heads during the night. She survived though and given I was the man power pushing our raft down the river, we were thankful that I'd slept like a baby. That's pretty much a direct quote from our captain by the way.

Nix's other least favourite place in the world is the raft after brushing past spider filled branches. Any requirement to paddle or guide the raft went out the window as Nix gave her undivided attention to ridding the raft of the five or so spiders that would join us each time. "Haha, oh, you don't like shpeeder, Nicholas??" 

One friend that we did welcome to the party was this guy. 

One of the two extremely eccentric guys that man the jungle camp for seven to eight months of the year had been fishing the night before and left a line in overnight. He'd got lucky and pulled in a four kilo catfish that was strung behind our raft and dragged for six hours down the river. He made it semi-alive and would provide new shoes and more rice wine for our eccentric friend.

Lunch on our second day was by a hotspring where Nix applied some beauty treatments

and we found one little frog that forgot to dip his toe before jumping in.

Our captain was, in fact, a great guy. He's from the Lahu tribe that migrated from Tibet many moons ago and now calls Northern Thailand home. His knowledge on the jungle and its animals was second to none and he was an extremely Zen force to have guiding our ship for the couple of days. 

It was by far the most enjoyable method of transport we've experienced and a definite highlight of Thailand. If anyone's interested the only company worth considering is Guy and his team at Thai Adventure Rafting - www.thairafting.com

The couple of nights prior to the rafting were spent in Pai, a village that whilst it's become quite heavily touristed still has its charms. The locals don't have that worn out feel that you normally pick up on in places like this, there's decent food to be had you just need to know where to look, a beer down by the Pai River is absolutely priceless and the packs of friendly(ish) dogs patrolling the streets bring the place to life.

The other thing Pai is good for is a massive night on the turps with new found drinking buddies that ends at the only bar in town that's open 'til the early hours. Thankfully, there's always a coconut shake close by for the following day's long, slow recovery.