After quite a many beers and things at various establishments, we stumbled into the Red Light District, which exists smack bang in the middle of Amsterdam.
If there's any place in the world where a man can feel superficial contentment, it's Amsterdam. Countless plastic women wink and gesture at you trying to get your attention and for you to hand over your fifty euros for 15 minutes of whatever you desire. The ladies come in all shapes and sizes and their quality is distinguished by which floor their windows exists on. The higher, the better, or the more sought after the product that's being offered.
We lasted all of about five seconds in a peep show together (when in Rome...) before the "performer" booted Nix and Matt out indicating that the show was only for one. I lasted about fifteen seconds before realising that me being in there by myself was just weird.
So off we went to a sex show, Moulin Rouge offered "Real Couple Sex" so we quickly parted with our 75 euros and in we went.
We walked in on the main event with an over the hill male pornstar going at it with a woman who wouldn't have known what day it was. You could really feel the passion. All the while the retired pornstar winked and blew kisses in Nix's direction. She really felt the passion.
Other acts included a woman pulling metres and metres of silk ribbon from her lady part and another woman who wrote something with a marker (again from the lady part) that was so captivating that none of us can remember what it said.
Here came the highlight of the night though, and almost of Nix's and Matt's lives. Out came a lady (the best looking lady of the show), dressed in nothing but a sequinned bikini, who danced around the stage and began to drag embarrassed looking young blokes onto the stage.
By this point of the night Matt and I were well and truly feeling it and were clapping, laughing and singing along to songs, having the time of our lives. But before I knew it the spotlight was on me, the dancing lady was pointing at me and I was dragged up onto the stage to join two other guys.
Amsterdam is a place where you tend to lose your inhibitions and I was loving being on stage, dancing with a beautiful lady and giving Nix and Matt, who were in hysterics by this point, the occasional thumbs up.
So we danced for a bit longer and I got banned from knicker removal duties as I tried to yank them off only to tell the dancer that "I've never done it before". She didn't really know how to take that.
And then out came the dreaded banana, which was peeled and placed you know where. The guy to the right of me took a bite, the guy to the left of me took a bite, and then only a bit was left sticking out. Oh no, my turn.
In I went, cautiously of course, but before I knew it her hands and legs were wrapped around my head and I was balls deep in a mouthful of banana. Yum.
I left the stage to rapturous applause, most of it coming from Nix and Matt.
Clint Brimson forever unclean.
Off we laughed into the night, quite sure that we'd never forget what had just taken place.
The Pussy
Our airbnb buddy, Nickey. Not what you were thinking, sicko.
The Beers
Evil Twin Ron and the Bunny
Boont Amber
Southern Tier 2X Stout
Rogue Dad's Little Helper
Brewdog Cocoa Psycho
Dark Horse Sapient Trip Ale
Flying Dog Gonzo
Against the Grain Golden Sower, Tropical Segway Kitten
Frogs Hollow Hoppin' Frog
Cigar City Papso
De Prael Nelis
Emelisse Herfstbock
De Molen Bock
Pampus Melkmeisje
Jopen Extra Stout, Mashing Pumpkins
